10 Steps to Leaving Your Country
So you're about to make the big move. Maybe you're moving for school, family, a partner, or perhaps your country rejected your work visa renewal and is deporting you. It can be difficult, but once you find the courage to climb into that giant metal bird and endure hours of stale air and straight-to-DVD movies, you'll be in a land ripe with opportunity. Here are 10 easy steps to make your transition from the development arresting comfort of the place you've called home to that terrifying abyss of the unknown, the place where prospects are few and far between, where your friends aren't, where every street is unrecognizable.
1. Tell all your friends; revel in all the attention.
You want to be sure to sit your friends down and tell them that you're moving in a soft, gentle voice to highlight the gravity of the situation. Speak quietly so they have to lean in and listen very carefully, making your departure seem a lot more serious. Make sure they know the size of the hole-nay, chasm-you'll leave behind in their life. Humbly enjoy all the expressions of sadness and preemptive nostalgia.
2. Visit all your favorite places one last time.
Don't forget about all your bar tender friends (and let's face it-there are a lot of them, you alcoholic)! And that one place with the really good seafood. And the place that serves massive burgers. Tell yourself the sudden weight gain was worth it while you stare at your body in the mirror.
3. Plan a really ambitious, guaranteed-to-fail going away party.
Facebook is a great way to connect with friends and send them an invitation they'll immediately ignore. Be sure to expect grand fanfare on your last night full of tearful goodbyes and long hugs, because the one way to make certain a party successfully lives up to the hype is to put more pressure on the night!
4. Doubt yourself.
To you, this is a big day. Your life is changing dramatically and you're about to embark on a cinema-worthy journey. But to everyone else, this is a Sunday. Just another weekend. Just another hangover. Nobody seems to care that you're leaving. No one has texted you. It doesn't seem like anyone will miss you when you're gone. Did you really make any meaningful friendships here? Did you do a good job? Did you make a lasting impression? Did you just waste everyone's time? Are you a waste of time? You can run away from your situation but you can't run away from yourself. Maybe moving isn't the answer, because maybe where you are isn't the problem...maybe you're the problem. Wait, you're having some really dark thoughts on this bus. How long have you been vacantly staring at that old lady? Vow to purchase a kindle to take with you on public transportation.
5. Forget to buy your train ticket.
Whoops! Oh yeah! Your flight is less than a week away. If you'd bought your train ticket a few weeks ago, it would have been 20 euros cheaper. You'd think after three years of traveling you'd be better at planning ahead.
6. Get too drunk the night before your early train journey.
Your train to the airport leaves at a quarter to 9, so you're only going for one. But your other friend can only meet up later, so you'll have another while you wait. But you're definitely going home after this one. Your friend reminds you of that one bar you used to go to, and you decide it would be a shame if you didn't go there one last time. Whoops, look at that, it's 3am and you have no self control. You do this every time; at this point just thinly veil your debauch with the joke that it's just "tradition" for you to travel super hungover.
7. Make really ambitious plans for your six hour train journey; sleep instead.
Remember that kindle you bought for public transportation? You can download the classics for free from Amazon! They're so boring, but that's okay; you're not going to read them anyway. Remember that podcast your friend recommended and asked you to listen to but you never did because you're terrible at maintaining relationships? Now's your chance! Put your headphones in, press play, and immediately fall asleep. Remember that nice leather-bound diary your mother bought for you after you expressed intent to get back into journaling? You've brought it with you and haven't cracked it once. It remains forgotten at the bottom of your backpack, an empty archive of memories not to be remembered.
8. Cry over trivial things.
The view from your apartment was stellar. You're not going to have that anymore. This makes you cry. The park was right down the street from your building, which is super convenient. You're not going to have that anymore. This makes you cry. The weather is never nice enough to go to the beach, but the ocean in the backdrop of your life had such a calming presence. You're not going to have that anymore. This makes you cry. Your dumb roommate never cleans up after herself and leaves cabinets open and crumbs on the kitchen counter. You're no going to have her anymore. This makes you cry, wtf is wrong with you, you're crying over crumbs. Pull yourself together.
9. Write a list of steps about your current situation because you never learned to process emotion.
You used to be a great writer because you did it all the time. To be good at anything, you must practice, and while some people have a natural talent with words, writing is no different and does indeed require practice. Take this really underdeveloped idea and use a medium (one with which you're really out of practice) to write a list. Read and reread what you've written until you hate it. Share it on social media and stare at the screen waiting for validation in the form of likes.
10. Forgive yourself.
It was dumb to expect fanfare. It was dumb to expect every single last one of all your friends, past lovers, acquaintances, strangers you passed on the street to deeply feel your absence. But everyone wants to feel missed, and you're not stupid for wanting attention. You made an impression on someone, somewhere. You made someone's life worse, you inconvenienced people, you made someone's day better, you made someone laugh, you made someone cry. Your departure wasn't a huge parade that everyone attended, and that's okay. It's a big deal for you, yes. But remember that people leave all the time. Some people move on. Some people stay.
You try to search for some metaphorical meaning in all of this, but all you come up with is the piss poor epigraph that "People Do Stuff." Vow to have this stitched on a throw pillow for your new home.
Thanks for the memories.
1. Tell all your friends; revel in all the attention.
You want to be sure to sit your friends down and tell them that you're moving in a soft, gentle voice to highlight the gravity of the situation. Speak quietly so they have to lean in and listen very carefully, making your departure seem a lot more serious. Make sure they know the size of the hole-nay, chasm-you'll leave behind in their life. Humbly enjoy all the expressions of sadness and preemptive nostalgia.
2. Visit all your favorite places one last time.
Don't forget about all your bar tender friends (and let's face it-there are a lot of them, you alcoholic)! And that one place with the really good seafood. And the place that serves massive burgers. Tell yourself the sudden weight gain was worth it while you stare at your body in the mirror.
3. Plan a really ambitious, guaranteed-to-fail going away party.
Facebook is a great way to connect with friends and send them an invitation they'll immediately ignore. Be sure to expect grand fanfare on your last night full of tearful goodbyes and long hugs, because the one way to make certain a party successfully lives up to the hype is to put more pressure on the night!
4. Doubt yourself.
To you, this is a big day. Your life is changing dramatically and you're about to embark on a cinema-worthy journey. But to everyone else, this is a Sunday. Just another weekend. Just another hangover. Nobody seems to care that you're leaving. No one has texted you. It doesn't seem like anyone will miss you when you're gone. Did you really make any meaningful friendships here? Did you do a good job? Did you make a lasting impression? Did you just waste everyone's time? Are you a waste of time? You can run away from your situation but you can't run away from yourself. Maybe moving isn't the answer, because maybe where you are isn't the problem...maybe you're the problem. Wait, you're having some really dark thoughts on this bus. How long have you been vacantly staring at that old lady? Vow to purchase a kindle to take with you on public transportation.
5. Forget to buy your train ticket.
Whoops! Oh yeah! Your flight is less than a week away. If you'd bought your train ticket a few weeks ago, it would have been 20 euros cheaper. You'd think after three years of traveling you'd be better at planning ahead.
6. Get too drunk the night before your early train journey.
Your train to the airport leaves at a quarter to 9, so you're only going for one. But your other friend can only meet up later, so you'll have another while you wait. But you're definitely going home after this one. Your friend reminds you of that one bar you used to go to, and you decide it would be a shame if you didn't go there one last time. Whoops, look at that, it's 3am and you have no self control. You do this every time; at this point just thinly veil your debauch with the joke that it's just "tradition" for you to travel super hungover.
7. Make really ambitious plans for your six hour train journey; sleep instead.
Remember that kindle you bought for public transportation? You can download the classics for free from Amazon! They're so boring, but that's okay; you're not going to read them anyway. Remember that podcast your friend recommended and asked you to listen to but you never did because you're terrible at maintaining relationships? Now's your chance! Put your headphones in, press play, and immediately fall asleep. Remember that nice leather-bound diary your mother bought for you after you expressed intent to get back into journaling? You've brought it with you and haven't cracked it once. It remains forgotten at the bottom of your backpack, an empty archive of memories not to be remembered.
8. Cry over trivial things.
The view from your apartment was stellar. You're not going to have that anymore. This makes you cry. The park was right down the street from your building, which is super convenient. You're not going to have that anymore. This makes you cry. The weather is never nice enough to go to the beach, but the ocean in the backdrop of your life had such a calming presence. You're not going to have that anymore. This makes you cry. Your dumb roommate never cleans up after herself and leaves cabinets open and crumbs on the kitchen counter. You're no going to have her anymore. This makes you cry, wtf is wrong with you, you're crying over crumbs. Pull yourself together.
9. Write a list of steps about your current situation because you never learned to process emotion.
You used to be a great writer because you did it all the time. To be good at anything, you must practice, and while some people have a natural talent with words, writing is no different and does indeed require practice. Take this really underdeveloped idea and use a medium (one with which you're really out of practice) to write a list. Read and reread what you've written until you hate it. Share it on social media and stare at the screen waiting for validation in the form of likes.
10. Forgive yourself.
It was dumb to expect fanfare. It was dumb to expect every single last one of all your friends, past lovers, acquaintances, strangers you passed on the street to deeply feel your absence. But everyone wants to feel missed, and you're not stupid for wanting attention. You made an impression on someone, somewhere. You made someone's life worse, you inconvenienced people, you made someone's day better, you made someone laugh, you made someone cry. Your departure wasn't a huge parade that everyone attended, and that's okay. It's a big deal for you, yes. But remember that people leave all the time. Some people move on. Some people stay.
You try to search for some metaphorical meaning in all of this, but all you come up with is the piss poor epigraph that "People Do Stuff." Vow to have this stitched on a throw pillow for your new home.
Thanks for the memories.
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